Broken Shoes

To the knower of what is unknown,

To the lover whose seeds have yet to be sown,

To the critic within that thinks my soul it does own,

To the depths of the ocean,

To the ohia's high mountain abode,

I wonder when along the way did the pieces of my heart get strewn,

Across desert floors,

Upon the sand of a million beaches,

At the busted train station on the border of home,

On the border of being alone,

I bow to you,

For the illusion granted,

I recognize now how my vision is slanted,

Acknowledgement the first step,

To venture into what is forbidden, 

To awaken what has been hidden,

To remember the eyes of the woman on the road, 

content with picking tomatoes, 

Even though her life is owned,

Once one realizes nothing is ours, 

Our discontentment,

Our victories,

Our heartbreak, 

Out torment,

Our bliss, 

we can fully let go,

Settle the heart, 

And trust the flow. 

Aho. 

On One-Pointedness

I remember the first journey I made outside of the United States as if it were a long time friend, who every now and then comes for a brief visit in the movie of my own awareness. I travelled through Mexico on a rather unexpected jaunt, on a whim really. From the time I crossed the border, I woke up to the depth of what being alive means to me.
 My partner at the time, Jason, and I, walked across the Mexican border in Nogales. I immediately was excited to smell the smells, to feel the dust that was tossed up in the air from the bustle of the desert infused city on my skin... I was in love with the sounds in the street, and the noticable life, so warm and alive, and not numb, comparatively from the border we just crossed.
After 18 years, it was a gift to finally step outside of what was familiar and realize the being I was told I was, was not in fact who I was, and in fact who was I?
I found myself travelling at night, as the passenger on a bus, mystified by the constellation filled sky. I was uncomfortable as hell, travelling for more than 40 hours, freezing cold, dusty from previous said hitchhiking and sleeping the night before in a tenement apartment yard little Mexico playground in Arizona.... There was a  loud American movie blaring in Spanish on the bus, and I was hungry...let's face it being a vegan travelling through Mexico is about as easy as sleeping in a bed full of fire ants, it can sting at times!
Despite my discomfort, I recognized my unplanned, unannounced vision quest journey had begun....and I was elated. Literally tears were streaming down my face, but there was no sadness, only an overwhelming love for the mystery of this life.
The stars always looked different to me from then on. I began to feel as if I pulsated with the stars, that the stars were within my own being. It was as if some string in my heart that had previously not been plucked, was in perfect tune, and attuned to the moment. I definitely had less than $200, and seemed to not mind.
When i finally arrived at my destination, a surf camp on the beach on a  little estuary off in the Pacific ocean in the state of Tepic, everything was perfect to me...
Everything except the mosquitos and sandflies. La jajenas as the all surfers in the camp called them. They were voracious and loved feeding on my fresh off the boat not yet acclimatized skin. I asked the locals if they were worse there than other places, and as if that was the most hilarious thing they ever heard, they told me yes.
 Around the same time in my life, I had reclaimed a life-times long yogic curiosity and love of practice, and was very dedicated to always taking time to sit in meditation. To stand on my head and let the breath breathe me....I tried practicing on the beach, at the surf camp where I was staying, on the roof tops of old abandoned houses that mashed up in a recent hurricane, as close to the water as possible, with natural oils on to keep the bugs at bay, even in the kitchen, and felt utterly defeated by the onslaughts of bug bites I would get each time I tried to sit for meditation or practice.
 After about a week of being there, a very interesting man rolled up on his bicycle. The bicycle had a cart on the back with the Belgian flag and was carrying medicine for the people of the village. He walked right up to me and introduced himself as Vicente.
Vicente told me he had ridden his bicycle from Northern Canada to Southern Mexico, loved MX so much he decided to stay for a while in a village inland. Before being in the Western hemisphere, he pedalled his bike through India, lived with yogis, and cooked curry and brewed cup after cup of gingery chai made with jasmine tea. We became friends and would blare Bob Marley's album Exodus and cook big pots of food for all of the other people willing to eat.
One day, as I was setting out on my mission down the beach to find a place to practice, he wished me good luck and said he would join me on my mission, smoke his porro, and make sure I didn't get myself into trouble being alone on the beach like a true crazy person, because as he reasoned out,"You don't look like trouble, but you have a way of finding it." (very honestly referring to a scenario I got myself in the previous day on the beach).
 So we walked a small ways down the pink sand and I rolled my straw mat out to begin my yoga practice. Of course, within a couple of minutes, I was uncontrollably itching all of the little stings I felt from the jajenas, (sandflies) and kept interrupting my practice with an agitated, scattered mind over and over to try to shoo away a bug that is nearly invisible.
Vicente took one look at me and rather seriously said,"Hey, I thought you were a real yogi, you cannot even sit through a few bug bites. You are weak in your mind. The true yogi, meditates, even when the bugs bite him. You have to meditate beyond the bugs. You use too many excuses. Meditate beyond the bugs. use them to help you focus "
Upon hearing him say that, something in my consciousness snapped like a dry branch, and a realization beyond words awakened within me. I was agitated that he was saying that to me, but also grateful for someone to tell me the truth. I became determined, not only determined, but angry and ready to try again, and this time, meditate through the bugs. He did not back down, and sat there in the morning sun, patiently, holding space for me perhaps, to realize I was more infinite than I thought.  To show me I was stronger than I thought.
As I resumed my practice, the bugs continued to bite me, but I allowed my mind to become one pointed. Like an archer drawing the bow string, focusing on the target, I became still within, and holding my awareness in one-pointedness, I practiced.
The focal point for me was equanimity within discomfort. To be able to find the effortless effort, even when i was uncomfortable. It was an amazing practice, i still remember it, eleven years later, as if it was yesterday. When i finished, Vicente had already walked back to the surf camp, but that did not matter. I had not even noticed to ask him where he was going. I allowed myself to submerge myself into my own being. I touched the place within that is beyond all sorrow or doubt, and felt the pulsation of all of life within myself.
This was the first time I believe I had an experience of pratyahara, sense withdrawal, in this lifetime. I meditated not only with the bugs, but beyond them. Allowing the bugs to bite me was a practice in unattachment to even my own body. That day on the beach I felt the essence of what yoga is touch my being.
I watched the ocean as my dhristi (gaze point) and the endless horizon as my inspiration. In all of that intensity and beauty, it didn't seem to matter how well I performed the asanas. Whether I balanced or not. What mattered in that moment was that I was alive to feel everything within myself. I was blessed  to be a traveller amongst other travellers, all finding oneness within the open road. I felt completely supported by the Universal Being, to have angels come to me, in disguise as amazing humans, offer teachings, and then just like the rising waves, once again they are destined to merge into the ocean of existence, perhaps never to be seen again in this lifetime.
That afternoon, when I returned to the surf camp, Vicente was sitting there smiling at me. Laughingly he said,"You look more vibrant than I've ever see you. The yogi within you has been awakened!" I sheepishly smiled and asked," Time to make some curry?"
*******************************************************************************
This experience has set an example for me that I constantly draw upon now, not only within my yoga practice, but also the rest of my life. After all, yoga is life. When I am uncomfortable, and start to get restless and agitated, I remind myself to settle my mind as silt settles in the bottom of a motionless pond. I focus on the moment in front of me, and breathe into myself. I watch the feelings arise within me as if they are waves in the ocean, I realize now that impermanence is the only reliable truth in life, and if I am patient with the process, all discomfort, all perceived suffering, will once again dissipate into the vast and eternal ocean of consciousness within me.

Within that consciousness there is always peace. The yogis describe it as a sorrowless, luminous place. I recognize the awareness within me, is one with the Universal Awareness of all, and through this I am able to let go, to surrender to the flow that is the journey of this lifetime, mosquitos and all.  Namaste xo, K

Journey hOMe

I'm so very grateful to be home again. today was a lovely day, including full trust in the Goddess to even leave St.Louis as the plane was coated in ice and snow had fallen earlier...it started intensely....as the airline workers sprayed de-icer acid (?) it sprayed into the plane about 1 foot form my narrow feet....I cannot even begin to delve into what this brought up for me, and just before energetic collapse by me and said other passengers around wondering if the door will fly open mid flight and we will all fly like birds, our Jamaican (of course had to be Jamaican right) flight attendant comes forward and laughingly, in that Caribbean way says, "Oh that happens when they are new, they dont' know how to spray de ting right." then proceeds to cackle a mad laugh and cleans the not so small neon orange puddle with some club soda and napkins...next, in Houston, an massive Vietnamese man sits down next to me on the plane, and here I am crushed in the corner window seat, finding my small mind wanting to get reactive over his medicine bottle in his jacket pocket pressing into my side, and then I paused the process and softened as I watched him try to pick up the little girl in front of us's I Pod that she had just dropped.....so I bent forward and returned it to the little angel in front of us and then asked him " How are you today," and was met with his story of being a political refugee, he then, takes off his hat (which I had noticed already), and shows me the 'Vietnam Veteran' logo on the strap. As I napped I travelled through a vision of what his life must've been like, and my heart swelled with compassion upon waking realizing that we all suffer, yet at the same time we are all capable of unconditional love, maybe in part to the taste of suffering. As we landed in L.A. , I could tell he was very confused and obvserved him, kindly, ask the flight attendants where his next gate was, b/c he is not used to this travelling, and they bluntly glare at him and offer no compassion and a harsh answer. I could feel the angels working through me, despite my own concerns, and I said, "Come on, let's go find your gate," and we walked over to the moniters and it just so happened our gates were in the same corridor, so we walked together, and to see his smile, over something so simple, my heart swelled with joy that we can choose this...we all have the choice of kindness and compassion for all people, for all sentient beings. Hilariously, on my flight to Hilo some angel from first class sent me a bottle of wine, about 2 minutes after I remembered a flight I took ages ago where a man asked me my name (after overhearing me mention to the person next to me, now all we need is wine! after a 4 hour delay....), I answered kindly, and he presented me with a carafe of wine.....the power of vibrational attraction always amazes me beyond what I can even integrate fully at this point. Each day the awareness grows. As I saw Pele on the horizon I let out a yelp of gladness and instantly almost energetically settled down. I wept tears of gratitude as I got in my little VW bug and breathed the humid sultry air. I have so much gratitude for every moment of my life, which has ineveitably culminated up to this very moment. Aloha Pele, I am hOMe. 

The Art of Stillness

The art of stillness within

I have become aware of my impatience with the process of life over the years. I have realized, within my behavior and way of carrying myself in the world, I have been conditioned, or rather conditioned myself, to need to possess all that is beautiful as my own, to control and "manage" my destiny in ways that are co-dependent and dysfunctional time and time again. Ironically, I have masked this with a consistent yoga practice, lifestyle, and professional life which keep me constantly aware of the present moment at hand in a beautiful way.

 Although this is excellent, when I sit in stillness I feel an overwhelming sadness wash over me, and the mind spirals into corners that can bring me to my knees if I let it. Years ago my Reiki teacher Judy Theiss told me that I would always have a challenging life if I kept running from the issues at hand through various partners, travelling, and sensory indulgent experiences. She told me to, "Stop running away," and "be within my center." I took it deeply to heart, (but did not follow it right away) noting that she was asking me to stay still to process my emotional backlog, as I had just told her that I was heading out on a journey a week from the day far South for as long as I could stay gone.

 Her advice to not run away echoed in my mind as I departed, and I allowed it to simmer in my thoughts for YEARS, no shit, it still echoes. I even forced myself to live in situations that were acutely dangerous for the sake of sitting within my own life and digesting it, not running away, but rather "processing" it as she taught me. Albeit rather extremist to do so. Being told to stop running away by such an enlightened being was by far the single most powerful piece of advice I have received in this lifetime. She was asking me, in a very subtle and profound way, even through the journey, to find and be within stillness, even as the world moved around me. I realized she was not telling me to never go anywhere in my life, but to remain within my center wherever life took me, and move from that stillness. Much like the idea of Samsara, that the wheel spins around and around, but at the center stillness always abides.

 Often times it is seemingly easier to move in the world in a way that is far from center, rather influenced by societal and genetic conditioning. But what exactly was I running away from? I certainly had heard the concept of being "centered," but had no real tangible affirmation of it within myself.

           I occasionally get glimpses of the true nature of reality, but that is beyond words most of the time. More often than not, I feel as if I'm "faking it til I make it," adhering to what I believe is true north for me and also sharing compassion and love with all living beings, as much as I am capable of. You know the holy type, scooping the cockroaches with two pieces of paper and putting them outside, naming the spiders that built their webs in the corner of my porch....not cooking out of pans if meat had touched them ever, offering all of my food to wooden dieties before even tasting it, staying in relationships long past their expiration date b/c I didn't know what to do next or didn't want to hurt that person even though it hurt me more to be with them....doing too many back bends…waking at 4 a.m. every morning to do yoga before I taught all day into the evening (can you imagine how moody I was by the end of the day, I can barely open my eyes before 8 a.m., which is not advisable if practicing ahimsa, nonviolence, is a priority).I could go on and on about the many ways I have thought I was processing my emotions and life and intentions. It is pretty amazing to observe what lengths we will go to, to find a glimmer of enlightenment, or hope...

Something has shifted lately within me though. Suddenly mastering yoga poses does not seem as important as sitting in where I am within them and observing my mind... Somehow within this paradigm I have been "practicing" for the past several years I have made progress, but have an overriding feeling of emptiness and delusion when I sit in stillness to meditate, as all the "stuff" I have run away from arises in my thought stream. My teacher Heather calls it spiritual bypass, where through a few affirmations, a "spiritual practice", some external acoutraments (maybe some fancy yoga pants, feather earrings, the right mala around the wrist....), and countless distractions, one never ventures below the surface…they only take life at face value, oftentimes seeing a division within what is good and bad rather than accepting all experiences as valid, truth revealing unfolding experiences of life as we know it.

 Seeing a division between good and bad, you and me, us and them, is known as dvaita, or duality. When we see ourselves as separate from the whole, we create a sense of disconnection from the vital life force that is always available to us, within us. When one is living in separation, as in thinking they only need themselves to survive, it is quite easy to see others suffer and continue to enjoy life all the while, they could pass by a hungry child with bags of food and not even drop a dime, or a banana.

On the other hand, when one has had a taste of the oneness we all are, how much we need each other in this life, one who has immersed within the inter-connectedness of all beings…. When the compassionate one is faced with a similar scenario, he cannot so easily pass on the hungry child in the street. As stated in the Bhagavad Gita, "Him I hold to be the Supreme Yogi, Arjuna, who looks on the pleasure and pain of all beings as he looks on them in himself." The concept on advaita, or non-duality reminds us that all living beings and matter are interconnected. God is not some cloud in the sky, God is within the hearts of all. We consist of the same essential nature. That nature is pure divinity.

    As I begin to cultivate unconditional love within myself, I care more about others. I have learned it is so important to love people not only in the entry into your life, be it friend, beggar, lover, challenging friend, animal, but also in their exit from your life, or transition of roles, for example, lover to friend, or teacher to student, to student evolving beyond the teacher and teaching the teacher..... Instead of reactivity, where I venture far from my center and run away from myself, essentially, it is easier to be still and respond to life and others when sitting within my center. Why? Because life is effortless if you live in Love.

I realized at some point in my own misery, what I was running away from all this time was the brilliance of my own heart. I have realized, the art of not running away, or being within my stillness as I prefer to call it, is sitting within one's own center, one's heart center.... "For the mind, O Krishna, is restless, turbulent, powerful, and obstinate. To control it, is as hard, it seems to me, as to control the wind." Bhagavad Gita. I get asked all the time by students, how to calm the mind, how to control the mind from wandering late into the night? It is quite simple, breathe into the heart center. Feel your electromagnetic field emanating from the Supreme Self within you. Radiate it outwardly. Let the mental dialogue play itself out, witness it from a place of unconditional love. Sure, by deeply feeling your heart, you will also become aware of the emotional back log as it unfurls in the mind as grief, anger, depression, guilt, fear, but from a place of watchful compassion, witness it.

 It is the mind that wants to run away, but remember the mind is a tool to be used in accordance with the higher prajna, or radiant wisdom that arises through steady awareness.  The mind is simply a mechanism to help you function, the heart, and the citta, consciousness contain this higher  intelligence. To sit in stillness the heart must be in the driver's seat, not the mind. If you let the mind run the show your thoughts will drive you to madness. You'll wake up halfway around the world with the same problems. You'll meet people to play the exact same characters that you ran away from in the first place.

 If you empty the mind enough, and sit with all of the chatter, allowing yourself to be fully in the process, from the seat of the Self within the heart, eventually the dialog and emotions that create that dialogue, will play themselves out. You will be left with utter stillness. Something that can never ever come from outside of yourself until you realize that nothing is outside of you. When you calm the thoughts, what is left is the residual emotions behind them, as you release the residual emotions, what remains is stillness. The heart contains/is the Self, which is also known as the internal witness, or the atma, soul. The heart IS unconditional love, willing to stand beside you in all of the variety of experiences you are capable of in this incarnation. So much so that it will reliably beat every moment that you are alive. When you realize this same internal witness is within all living beings, you realize All is one. Once you have had a taste of this stillness and oneness within your own heart, it will instantly be felt by others. So much so, that your presence alone will facilitate others dropping from the mind into the heart. Be a light unto yourself first. Stoke the fire of your own heart by unconditionally loving yourself and others. Stay still when things get intense, you are strong enough to weather any storm, that is why you are here.  To be within the question of life. To fall in love with the Great Mystery. When you ignite the heart fire remember, this is a light that does not burn out, but only illuminates countless other flames....In Love.

Journey for the Journey...My life on and off the road.

Tales from the Path. Journeys into the unknown with the sole purpose of knowing oneself deeper. These writings are not for the faint of heart, so please shelter yourself if you are not ready. As I have walked in my body, in this beautiful life, although tragically so at times, I have journeyed. I am from a concrete jungle...a polluted, wretched, beautiful concrete jungle where landfills sit the size of pyramids opposite ancient mounds. Atop these ancient mounds the indiginistas (b/c they came up from Mexico) made human sacrifices much like the Aztec, blood being their holy sacrament, they built a mound to touch the clouds just to get a little closer to God, to show him, look at what we are offering you......funny how modern man mirrors this with their skyscrapers...look at what we are offering you dear lord...corruption, disconnection, rubbish, as they say in a land I once knew.....pure Fuckrie! But truly, the metaphor never escapes me. Each time I come home, I see the mounds, I see the landfill and realize in this modern world, at least in this country, although I truly believe it has stretched far beyond, we have been conditioned, or more accurately, brainwashed into worshiping that which is easily thrown away. Look Lord at what we are offering you.......
    I am a rebel at heart, this is unchangeable. My true awakening began one night on a crazy acid trip in Central Missouri. 17. So young, I bought all of my clothes from goodwill, cut them up , then pieced them back together like a puzzle. I enjoyed going to art shows with my model friend, swilling vino and as my usual self at that time, causing a stir, pissing someone off (usually uptight American college age male), and then running out laughing my ass off, tripping over my heels and winking at the door man.... Enblazoned (is that a word?) friends behind me wondering how this girl act so crazy...I realize now, it was my desire to step out of the oppression. It was my desire to run free. To let the breeze blow my hair into tiny dreads and not be bothered to brush it. To stare at the stars all night long on the beach with a lover and feel the breeze cool, but stay anyway b/c hey, we are alive, Give thanks for the breeze! Yes this is how this journey began. This is what propels it still. The deep inner longing to trod deep within the mountains just to sit silently with the tree dwellers and hear their songs. The need to walk so far that the soles of my shoes burn out with holes, and yet I'm still ready to walk some more in my bare feet..... The internal prayer that occurs when one swims in the ocean for hours on end, no fear, just bliss. The desire to sit at the feet of enlightened ones and surrender this worldly illusion.....to drop the rat race.... Immersion. Oneness. Culture. All of this...Joy is what matters to me in this lifetime. This is what spurred this journey. It is no longer separate trips to me, but one journey. I have been journeying now for 11 years on the road. Yes I settle at times, but in my heart of hearts, I am always a wanderer. This is the difference between a tourist and a traveller. A tourist goes for a week, takes a lot of photos, goes to the local trappings in the guide book, and then goes home. Back to hell. A traveller...ah the bliss, a traveller goes for the sake of going. There is no coming back. Only movement, eternally in the flow. No need for a five year plan. As I say, Five year plan, how about five minute plan? How will we know, five minutes from now, you and I could slip into the unknown again. Leaving these beautiful bodies in our chair, as our soul rises above...or is it that we just merge and expand in every direction? To contemplate death is almost unfathomable, and in me, it invokes the urge to be in the great mystery as much as possible in this life. What else do we truly have but this moment? This is what has spurred this journey. I have seen many exit the Earth this year, and I can tell you , this is what has spurred this writing. Yes JAH this is what has spurred this fucking beautiful journey. The great wino Jack Kerouac also helped at bit.
       Yes sweet 17. Rosy plump cheeks, hoop earrings and a big stick of sensimillia. I do not remember how I found the writings of Jack Kerouac, this is perhaps b/c his books found me. On the Road...a crazy book about his real life hitch hikings and train catching across the United States, back when it was still the United States, not the land of oppression and the home of depression.....his crazy adventures of feeling the breeze and sitting with it rather than running back to the comforts of 4 walls, a flushing toilet, missionary style and all those things. When I think back on his books, and his passion for life, and love, and living, tears hang on the brim of my eyelids, and I feel the beat of the open road in my heart. Why? I know why...I remember my journey. The one I shall tell you.
       

On Merging with the Ocean

This path is bigger than me. It is bigger than you. It is a part of the whole. We all are on it. The places we dwell and decide to take a rest and explore and prod along the way will be different. Decidedly so by the internal pull of our own hearts. Occasionally, and in beautifully rare and synchronistic moments on this journey, we encounter others who motivate, inspire, and enliven us, to step up. To rise to the occasion. To fall in love. To leap into the unknown, the only true compass being the internal guide of the longings of the Heart. I'm talking about those who arrive and remind us to send it 100% and be the human being, friend, lover, stranger who holds doors for others..... that you have always envisioned in your ideal existence. As I write this I find myself in deep gratitude for those whom have guided me unknowingly and knowingly, through their presence in my life.  Beyond time and space there is a Oneness present within me for all of you, and some of you know who you are, others, do not. I am okay with this. I am deeply reverently grateful in this moment. Just as travellers do, we all must part one day, but let me say for myself- I bow to all the Gurus, Teachers, Shamans, Beloveds, Strangers, and Guides who have arrived at just the right time and through their presence have facilitated me to step into the unknown again and again, trusting that what I see in them, is also radiantly alive within me. Perhaps they remind me of my own strength, and this alone is enough. Some things are not meant to be understood but felt. Let us all Re-member this. 

Tempeh Hummus Wraps

I remember I made these for my brother, Sean when he was about 10 years old, and from that point on, he always asked for them...great kid food! You can even turn it into a quesadilla by lighly browning the wrap with slices of vegan mozzarella folded into it first....

1 package of organic tempeh sliced thinly
1 Tbsp. (+/-) Refined coconut oil or grapeseed oil (no olive oil as it is not a high heat cooking oil and becomes rancid)
Pinch of Salt (Celtic Sea salt or Hawaiiain Sea Salt are two of my faves)
1 spelt wrap or tortilla or your choice
Hummus either your favorite store bought or homemade
Tahini dressing (see recipe below)
Sliced Tomatoes
Mixed Greens
Generous portion of Alfalfa or home grown mung bean sprouts
Sri Racha hot sauce (optional)

Saute the tempeh in a small amount of oil, until it is lightly browned on both sides (be sure to carefully flip each piece so both sides have a crispy texture) Add a bit of sea salt to season the tempeh, set aside and let drain on a plate covered with a paper towel.
Place a wrap on a plate and spread hummus over the middle of the wrap.
Arrange the tempeh over the hummus in a way that you can roll the wrap up neatly.
Next layer the mixed greens, tomatoes, and sprouts.
Then pour tahini dressing over (you decide how much)
Maybe a little Sri Racha too if you like spice.
Roll it up, enjoy!
If you wish to prepare the night before to bring as a lunch, leave the mixed greens, tomatoes, and sprouts out of the wrap, and bring them in a separate bag the add to the wrap just before eating. Yum!

Tahini Lemon Dressing

1 cup of Tahini
1 small lemon juiced
1 clove garlic
1 tsp. Bragg's Liquid Amino's
1/2 handful of basil (opt.)
water if neccessary to thin out texture (start with just a pinch and add more as you go along, be careful not to add too much....)

Blend all ingredients until the dressing is thick and creamy, yet pourable.