The art of stillness
within
I have become aware of my
impatience with the process of life over the years. I have realized, within my
behavior and way of carrying myself in the world, I have been conditioned, or
rather conditioned myself, to need to possess all that is beautiful as my own,
to control and "manage" my destiny in ways that are co-dependent and
dysfunctional time and time again. Ironically, I have masked this with a
consistent yoga practice, lifestyle, and professional life which keep me
constantly aware of the present moment at hand in a beautiful way.
Although this is excellent, when I sit in
stillness I feel an overwhelming sadness wash over me, and the mind spirals
into corners that can bring me to my knees if I let it. Years ago my Reiki
teacher Judy Theiss told me that I would always have a challenging life if I
kept running from the issues at hand through various partners, travelling, and
sensory indulgent experiences. She told me to, "Stop running away,"
and "be within my center." I took it deeply to heart, (but did not
follow it right away) noting that she was asking me to stay still to process my
emotional backlog, as I had just told her that I was heading out on a journey a
week from the day far South for as long as I could stay gone.
Her advice to not run away echoed in my mind
as I departed, and I allowed it to simmer in my thoughts for YEARS, no shit, it
still echoes. I even forced myself to live in situations that were acutely
dangerous for the sake of sitting within my own life and digesting it, not
running away, but rather "processing" it as she taught me. Albeit
rather extremist to do so. Being told to stop running away by such an
enlightened being was by far the single most powerful piece of advice I have
received in this lifetime. She was asking me, in a very subtle and profound
way, even through the journey, to find and be within stillness, even as the
world moved around me. I realized she was not telling me to never go anywhere
in my life, but to remain within my center wherever life took me, and move from
that stillness. Much like the idea of Samsara, that the wheel spins around and
around, but at the center stillness always abides.
Often times it is seemingly easier to move in
the world in a way that is far from center, rather influenced by societal and
genetic conditioning. But what exactly was I running away from? I certainly had
heard the concept of being "centered," but had no real tangible
affirmation of it within myself.
I
occasionally get glimpses of the true nature of reality, but that is beyond
words most of the time. More often than not, I feel as if I'm "faking it
til I make it," adhering to what I believe is true north for me and also
sharing compassion and love with all living beings, as much as I am capable of.
You know the holy type, scooping the cockroaches with two pieces of paper and
putting them outside, naming the spiders that built their webs in the corner of
my porch....not cooking out of pans if meat had touched them ever, offering all
of my food to wooden dieties before even tasting it, staying in relationships
long past their expiration date b/c I didn't know what to do next or didn't
want to hurt that person even though it hurt me more to be with them....doing
too many back bends…waking at 4 a.m. every morning to do yoga before I taught
all day into the evening (can you imagine how moody I was by the end of the
day, I can barely open my eyes before 8 a.m., which is not advisable if
practicing ahimsa, nonviolence, is a
priority).I could go on and on about the many ways I have thought I was
processing my emotions and life and intentions. It is pretty amazing to observe
what lengths we will go to, to find a glimmer of enlightenment, or hope...
Something has shifted lately within
me though. Suddenly mastering yoga poses does not seem as important as sitting
in where I am within them and observing my mind... Somehow within this paradigm
I have been "practicing" for the past several years I have made
progress, but have an overriding feeling of emptiness and delusion when I sit
in stillness to meditate, as all the "stuff" I have run away from
arises in my thought stream. My teacher Heather calls it spiritual bypass,
where through a few affirmations, a "spiritual practice", some
external acoutraments (maybe some fancy yoga pants, feather earrings, the right
mala around the wrist....), and
countless distractions, one never ventures below the surface…they only take
life at face value, oftentimes seeing a division within what is good and bad
rather than accepting all experiences as valid, truth revealing unfolding
experiences of life as we know it.
Seeing a division between good and bad, you
and me, us and them, is known as dvaita,
or duality. When we see ourselves as separate from the whole, we create a sense
of disconnection from the vital life force that is always available to us,
within us. When one is living in separation, as in thinking they only need
themselves to survive, it is quite easy to see others suffer and continue to
enjoy life all the while, they could pass by a hungry child with bags of food
and not even drop a dime, or a banana.
On the other hand, when one has had
a taste of the oneness we all are, how much we need each other in this life,
one who has immersed within the inter-connectedness of all beings…. When the
compassionate one is faced with a similar scenario, he cannot so easily pass on
the hungry child in the street. As stated in the Bhagavad Gita, "Him I hold to be the Supreme Yogi, Arjuna, who
looks on the pleasure and pain of all beings as he looks on them in
himself." The concept on advaita,
or non-duality reminds us that all living beings and matter are interconnected.
God is not some cloud in the sky, God is within the hearts of all. We consist
of the same essential nature. That nature is pure divinity.
As I begin to
cultivate unconditional love within myself, I care more about others. I have
learned it is so important to love people not only in the entry into your life,
be it friend, beggar, lover, challenging friend, animal, but also in their exit
from your life, or transition of roles, for example, lover to friend, or
teacher to student, to student evolving beyond the teacher and teaching the
teacher..... Instead of reactivity, where I venture far from my center and run
away from myself, essentially, it is easier to be still and respond to life and
others when sitting within my center. Why? Because life is effortless if you
live in Love.
I realized at some point in my own
misery, what I was running away from all this time was the brilliance of my own
heart. I have realized, the art of not running away, or being within my
stillness as I prefer to call it, is sitting within one's own center, one's
heart center.... "For the mind, O Krishna, is restless, turbulent,
powerful, and obstinate. To control it, is as hard, it seems to me, as to
control the wind." Bhagavad Gita.
I get asked all the time by students, how to calm the mind, how to control the
mind from wandering late into the night? It is quite simple, breathe into the
heart center. Feel your electromagnetic field emanating from the Supreme Self
within you. Radiate it outwardly. Let the mental dialogue play itself out,
witness it from a place of unconditional love. Sure, by deeply feeling your
heart, you will also become aware of the emotional back log as it unfurls in
the mind as grief, anger, depression, guilt, fear, but from a place of watchful
compassion, witness it.
It is the mind that wants to run away, but
remember the mind is a tool to be used in accordance with the higher prajna, or radiant wisdom that arises
through steady awareness. The mind is
simply a mechanism to help you function, the heart, and the citta, consciousness contain this higher
intelligence. To sit in stillness the
heart must be in the driver's seat, not the mind. If you let the mind run the
show your thoughts will drive you to madness. You'll wake up halfway around the
world with the same problems. You'll meet people to play the exact same
characters that you ran away from in the first place.
If you empty the mind enough, and sit with all
of the chatter, allowing yourself to be fully in the process, from the seat of
the Self within the heart, eventually the dialog and emotions that create that
dialogue, will play themselves out. You will be left with utter stillness.
Something that can never ever come from outside of yourself until you realize that
nothing is outside of you. When you calm the thoughts, what is left is the
residual emotions behind them, as you release the residual emotions, what
remains is stillness. The heart contains/is the Self, which is also known as
the internal witness, or the atma,
soul. The heart IS unconditional love, willing to stand beside you in all of
the variety of experiences you are capable of in this incarnation. So much so
that it will reliably beat every moment that you are alive. When you realize
this same internal witness is within all living beings, you realize All is one.
Once you have had a taste of this stillness and oneness within your own heart,
it will instantly be felt by others. So much so, that your presence alone will
facilitate others dropping from the mind into the heart. Be a light unto
yourself first. Stoke the fire of your own heart by unconditionally loving
yourself and others. Stay still when things get intense, you are strong enough
to weather any storm, that is why you are here.
To be within the question of life. To fall in love with the Great
Mystery. When you ignite the heart fire remember, this is a light that does not
burn out, but only illuminates countless other flames....In Love.
